“How do I trust God when nothing seems to be changing?”
Have you ever whispered that question through tears?
Maybe you’ve prayed for your adult child for years. You’ve fasted, attended the temple, studied your scriptures, and tried to say all the right things. Yet nothing looks different. Instead of seeing progress, you wonder if anything is happening at all.
When that happens, your mind naturally begins searching for answers. You want a plan. You want certainty. Most of all, you want to know how.
That desire is understandable. However, it can also become one of the biggest obstacles to experiencing peace.
In this final episode of my Summer of Letting Go series, let’s talk about letting go of the need to know how.
Ep: 29 Letting Go of the Need to Know How
Why Your Brain Wants to Know "How"
When an adult child leaves the Church or chooses a different path than you hoped, your brain immediately goes to work.
Nothing has gone wrong with you.
Your brain simply craves certainty.
It starts asking questions like:
- How do I help them come back?
- What should I say?
- Did I do something wrong?
- How do I fix this?
- What if they never return?
The questions come quickly because your brain believes that if it can solve the puzzle, you’ll finally feel safe again.
As mothers, that response makes perfect sense.
We are created to nurture, protect, and love our children. Even after they become adults, those instincts don’t disappear. Our hearts still want to make everything better.
Unfortunately, that’s where we often begin carrying a burden that was never ours to carry.
God's Gift of Agency Changes Everything
One of Heavenly Father’s greatest gifts is agency.
He gave it to you.
He gave it to me.
Most importantly, He gave it to our children.
Agency is central to His plan because it allows us to choose who we will become. Growth comes through experience. Mistakes become teachers. Repentance becomes possible. Little by little, we become more like Jesus Christ.
Because agency matters so much, God does not force hearts to change.
Instead, He invites, He teaches, He waits and He loves.
If God Himself honors agency, perhaps we can begin letting go of the impossible responsibility of controlling someone else’s choices.
That doesn’t mean He has forgotten your child.
Nor does it mean He has forgotten you.
Instead, it means there is far more happening than you can currently see.
God Is Working Even When You Can't See It
One truth has brought me tremendous comfort.
God’s deliverance often begins quietly.
Long before we recognize it, He is already working.
He meets us exactly where we are. While we focus on today’s circumstances, He sees the entire story. Although we cannot see every conversation, prompting, or experience shaping our child’s heart, He can.
Consequently, faith isn’t trusting that we’ll understand every detail.
Faith is trusting God when we don’t.
What My Three-Year-Old Grandson Taught Me About Faith
Recently, my three-year-old grandson has been determined to do everything by himself.
His favorite words are, “I do it!”
One afternoon he wanted to pour himself a glass of milk.
He carefully picked up the heavy jug with both hands and gave it everything he had. Naturally, some milk landed in the cup. Some landed on the counter.
The result wasn’t perfect.
Still, he wasn’t discouraged.
He didn’t stop because he didn’t know exactly how to pour without spilling. Instead, he kept trying. If milk spilled, he simply helped clean it up and tried again another day.
Watching him made me wonder if that’s a little like the faith Heavenly Father asks of us.
He isn’t asking us to know exactly how everything will work out.
He’s asking us to keep showing up.
To keep learning.
To trust Him enough to take the next step.
Scripture Shows That God Gives Direction, Not Every Detail
Throughout the scriptures, God rarely gives people the entire roadmap.
Instead, He gives enough light for the next faithful step.
Nephi
When Nephi declared, “I will go and do,” he had no idea how he would obtain the brass plates.
He acted, tried different ways and tried again.
Eventually, God opened the way.
The Brother of Jared
The Brother of Jared wasn’t handed finished boats.
Instead, the Lord invited him to think, create, and ask questions.
After building the barges, he recognized another problem. They needed light.
So he brought a possible solution to the Lord.
Only then did God provide what only He could provide.
Moses
Standing at the Red Sea, Moses had no idea how millions of Israelites would escape Pharaoh’s army.
God didn’t explain every detail.
He simply told Moses to move forward. Sometimes that’s exactly what He asks of us.
Replace "How?" With a Better Question
I’ve noticed something in my own life.
Whenever I become obsessed with how, I stop asking better questions.
Rather than asking, How is this all going to work out?
I can ask, What is God inviting me to do today?
That simple shift changes everything.
Instead of trying to solve the future, I can focus on today’s faithful step.
Waiting Doesn't Mean Nothing Is Happening
Waiting can be one of the hardest parts of trusting God. But it’s not wasted time. Waiting is working.
While you wait, God continues pruning, nurturing, refining, and preparing.
Not only is He working in your child’s life, but He is also working in yours. Your role matters deeply but compared to God, it is a much smaller role than God’s.
Your job is to love, to pray and to listen.
God’s job is to work on the bigger picture. Thankfully, He is exceptionally good at what He does.
You Don't Need to Know How
If you’ve been waiting to trust God until you understand how your story ends, you may be waiting for a very long time.
On the other hand, if you trust Him with today’s step, you’ll discover something beautiful.
Peace doesn’t come after every question is answered, it comes as you walk with the One who already knows.
This week, notice every time your mind asks, “But how?” Then gently replace it with this question:
“What is one faithful step God is inviting me to take today?”
Perhaps that step is praying. Maybe it’s sending your child a loving text with no agenda attached. Perhaps it’s opening your scriptures. Or maybe it’s simply choosing to trust God more than your fear.
Remember the Savior’s promise:
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you… Let not your heart be troubled.” (John 14:27)
Finally, hold on to this truth:
Whatever is happening with the people you love today is not a predictor of how their story will end.
As Dr. Avram Shannon beautifully reminds us, one day the Savior “is going to wipe away every tear. He’s going to come and make everything better.”
I don’t know exactly how.
Yet letting go of the need to know how has brought more peace than I ever found trying to figure everything out.
If you’re carrying heartache over an adult child and you’re exhausted from trying to hold everything together, you don’t have to carry that burden alone. I’d love to invite you to schedule a free Find Connection and Peace Call. Together, we’ll talk about what’s weighing on your heart and help you find peace, even while you’re still waiting.