What if trying to keep the peace with your child is actually keeping you from the closeness you want?
Sometimes love sounds less like, “I’m fine,” and more like, “This is hard for me, and I love you.”
Those two things can exist together.
You can love your child deeply and struggle with some of their choices. You can wish something were different and still have a close relationship with them. And you can tell the truth about what’s happening inside of you without making your child responsible for changing it.
In fact, learning how to do that might bring you closer.
WANT HELP WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD?
If you’re tired of analyzing every conversation, worrying about saying the wrong thing, or wondering how to stay close without pretending, let’s talk about your relationship.
When “I’m Fine” Isn’t True
Have you ever had your child tell you something that was really hard to hear, and you could feel yourself immediately trying to make your face look okay?
You listen. You nod. Maybe you even say, “I just want you to be happy.”
Meanwhile, inside, you’re anything but okay.
Maybe you’re sad. You’re scared. You’re disappointed. You might even be mad.
Still, you love your child. The last thing you want is for them to stop talking to you.
So you smile. And say the usual, “I’m fine.”
You try to keep the peace because that feels like what a loving mom should do.
I understand this because I can fall into people-pleasing too. I like people to be okay with me, I like conversations to end well, and I like knowing someone isn’t upset because of something I said.
However, I’m learning that loving someone well sometimes means telling the truth kindly and letting them have their feelings about it.
Our kids don’t need a mom who pretends everything is okay.
They need a mom they can trust to be honest and loving.
Your Child Probably Knows When You’re Pretending
Imagine two moms.
The first says:
“I’m fine. I just want you to be happy.”
But her face looks sad. Her voice changes. She gets quiet or changes the subject. Maybe she stops asking questions altogether.
Her words say, “I’m fine.”
Everything else says, “I am definitely NOT fine.”
We think we’re good actors but we’re not.
Now imagine another mom who says:
“I love you, and I want you to know that some of this is hard for me. I’m still trying to figure out my feelings around it, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide things from me.”
Notice what she didn’t say.
She didn’t blame her child, demand a different choice.
She didn’t say, “Look at what you’re doing to me.”
Instead, she told the truth about herself.
When someone sees that you can tell the truth instead of pretending, agreeing, or trying to keep everybody happy, they learn something about you:
Oh. I can tell the truth here too.
You don’t have to figure this out by yourself
Maybe you know exactly what tiptoeing feels like.
You rewrite texts. Rehearse conversations. Worry that one wrong sentence will push your child farther away. Meanwhile, you’re exhausted from trying to get the relationship “right.”
That’s exactly the kind of thing we can talk through together.
Tell the Truth Without an Agenda
Brooke Castillo said something I love:
“Be honest kindly and without an agenda.”
Without an agenda is the part I want to pay attention to.
There’s a big difference between:
“I’m going to tell you how hard this is for me so you’ll finally understand what you’re doing and change.”
And: “I want to be honest with you. This is hard for me, and I love you.”
The first one might sound like honesty, but underneath it is an attempt to change your child.
The second lets your child know you.
I’m not telling you how I feel so you’ll fix my feelings.
I’m not sharing this so you’ll reassure me.
Nor am I being honest so you’ll make a different choice.
I’m letting you know me.
Then I’m letting you be you.
Brooke has also said:
“Unconditional love is never at your own expense. It never includes lying. It always includes the truth.”
That challenges the belief that loving our kids means becoming whatever version of ourselves makes them most comfortable.
Love doesn’t require that.
Stop Tiptoeing and Start Being in the Relationship
Jody Moore has talked about loving people through honesty instead of pretending, manipulating, or tiptoeing.
That word, tiptoeing, gets me.
As moms, we can spend so much time wondering: Can I ask this?Should I say that? Will this upset her? Does he think I’m judging him?
Was that text too much? Should I send another one? Should I explain myself?
Pretty soon, you can spend an enormous amount of your life trying to manage the relationship instead of actually being in it.
That’s exhausting.
Brené Brown puts it simply:
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Sometimes we avoid clarity because we tell ourselves we’re being nice.
Yet if we look a little closer, we might find that we’re actually trying to avoid our own discomfort.
I know I can do this.
Sometimes I’d much rather have someone happy with me than sit with the discomfort of knowing they aren’t.
So here’s a question worth asking:
Is keeping the peace creating the closeness you desire?
What Telling the Truth Actually Sounds Like
Honesty does not mean dumping every thought and emotion onto your child.
Your child isn’t responsible for your pain.
Likewise, saying something hurtful and following it with, “I’m just being honest,” isn’t the kind of truth I’m talking about.
Loving honesty takes ownership.
Instead of:
“You’re making my life hard.”
Try:
“This is hard for me.”
Instead of:
“You’re scaring the whole family.”
Try:
“I’m feeling scared.”
Instead of:
“What you’re doing makes no sense.”
Try:
“I don’t understand this.”
Instead of:
“You know better.”
Try:
“I have different beliefs about this.”
There’s another sentence I think can change a conversation:
“This is hard for me to hear, and I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me.”
You can be glad your child told you something without being glad about what they told you.
Those are completely different things.
Imagine what that communicates:
You don’t have to protect me from your life.
You don’t have to give me the edited version of yourself.
I want to know you.
And when knowing you brings up feelings for me, I can take care of those feelings.
Truth and Love Belong Together
Ephesians 4:15 says:
“Speaking the truth in love.”
I love how simple that is.
Not just truth, not just love.
Truth in love.
Sometimes we act as though we have to choose between being honest and loving our child. Scripture puts the two together.
Then Doctrine and Covenants 93:24 says:
“Truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come.”
I especially love the words “as they are.”
Not as I wish things were or as I think my child should be.
Not the picture I created in my mind when they were little.
As they are.
Part of living in truth means seeing my child where they are right now and loving them there.
It also means seeing myself where I am.
I can be sad and I can wish things were different.
Perhaps I don’t understand.
I can feel afraid.
I don’t have to pretend those feelings don’t exist. At the same time, I don’t have to lay them at my child’s feet and wait for my child to change before I can feel better.
What If There’s Joy in Telling the Truth?
Moroni 7:45 tells us that charity “rejoiceth in truth.”
That word rejoiceth has had me thinking.
Charity doesn’t merely tolerate truth. It rejoices in it.
Sometimes we think charity means being nice, agreeable, and endlessly willing to keep the peace.
I don’t think that’s what Christlike love asks of us.
Charity includes patience, kindness, compassion, and loving someone when we disagree. It means wanting good things for another person without making our love dependent on their choices.
Truth and love aren’t enemies.
And maybe there is actually joy available when we stop pretending.
Not because our child changed or everything turned out the way we hoped.
The lightness comes because we’ve stopped fighting ourselves.
I can tell the truth:
This is hard.
And:
I love my child.
I wish this were different.
And this is their life.
I have feelings about their choices.
And I don’t have to spend my entire day consumed by those choices.
I can love my child and let them have their life.
And here’s the part I really want moms to hear:
I can have mine.
Your Child’s Life Doesn’t Have to Become the Place Where Yours Stops
How much of your life have you put on hold while waiting for your child’s life to change?
“When she comes back to church, then I can relax or when he gets out of this relationship, I’ll be okay.”
“When they figure this out, I’ll enjoy my life again.”
But what happens to today while you’re waiting?
There is still so much life available to you.
There are people to love and places to go. Friendships can grow. New things can interest you. You can serve, laugh, make plans, try something new, and wake up excited about something that belongs to you.
Enjoying your life doesn’t mean you don’t care about your child.
Your joy is not a betrayal of your concern for them.
You don’t prove your love by worrying all day.
Nor do you prove the strength of your faith by being miserable because your child believes differently.
You can have a tender spot in your heart about your child and still have a beautiful life.
Both can be true.
What Do You Want Your Life to Look Like Now?
When we stop pouring so much energy into monitoring our children, managing their feelings, hiding ours, and trying to control what they think about us, something opens up.
Suddenly, there’s room for different questions.
What brings me joy, what do I want to do with my days?
Think about what sounds fun?
What have I wanted to try?
Who am I becoming?
And one of my favorite questions:
What would I do today if I trusted my child to have their life and trusted myself to have mine?
I want to help moms create beautiful relationships with their children.
But I also want to help moms create beautiful relationships with their own lives.
I don’t want you to spend five, ten, or twenty years waiting for somebody else’s life to change before you start living yours.
Your child gets to live their life and you get to love them through it.
You can tell the truth about what that experience is like for you.
And you still get to have a life.
The Truth Can Set Mom Free Too
John 8:32 says:
“Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
Maybe truth frees Mom too.
I don’t have to monitor every facial expression or rehearse every sentence.
My child doesn’t have to believe I’m fine when I’m not.
I don’t have to keep everybody happy.
Most of all, I don’t have to wait for my child to change before I create a meaningful, joyful life.
This is something I’m working on too.
There are still times when keeping the peace feels easier. Sometimes I’d rather have someone be happy with me than sit in the discomfort of knowing they aren’t.
I’m learning I can handle that discomfort.
I can tell the truth kindly and without an agenda.
My child can have their response.
I can love them.
And I can live my life.
The conversation might not end perfectly. Your child might disagree, get frustrated, or need some space.
Still, there’s something beautiful about knowing you didn’t manipulate, pretend, tiptoe, or people-please your way through it.
You told the truth with kindness, you loved them and you let them have their response.
Then you took responsibility for yours.
Maybe your child gets to learn:
Mom is sad, and Mom can handle being sad.
This is hard for Mom, and I don’t have to fix it.
Mom believes differently, and she still wants to know me.
Mom loves me.
And Mom gets something too.
She gets to stop pretending, she gets to make plans and dream again.
She gets to notice the goodness that’s already here and to create a life she wants to wake up to.
Your child gets to have their life, and you get to have yours.
They get to have their truth, and you get to have yours.
There can be differences.
There can be discomfort.
And there can still be so much love.
Because loving your child does not require you to pretend everything is okay.
Charity “rejoiceth in truth.”
And maybe there is more joy waiting for us when we stop pretending, tell the truth with love, and give ourselves permission to live too.
What if you stopped waiting for your child to change before you felt okay?
If that question hit somewhere tender, I’d love to help you work through what’s happening in your family.
Bring the relationship that keeps you up at night, the conversation you keep replaying. Bring the part you don’t know how to handle.
We’ll start there.