What if one of the greatest gifts you could give yourself isn’t changing who you are?
What if it’s learning to love the woman you were, the woman you are today, and the woman you’re still becoming?
For many of us, that doesn’t come naturally. We look back and see mistakes we wish we could undo. Then, we look at who we are today and notice all the ways we think we should be doing better. Meanwhile, we worry about the future and wonder if we’ll ever become the woman we hoped we would be.
But learning how to love your whole story doesn’t mean pretending everything in your past was wonderful. Instead, it means allowing your past to teach you without letting it define you.
Most importantly, it means remembering who you are and whose you are.
Your Past Is Part of Your Story, Not Your Identity
Think about a baby learning to walk.
When she pulls herself up, takes a wobbly step, and falls, you don’t look at her and say, “Seriously? You should know how to do this by now.”
You cheer.
Even when she falls, you encourage her to get back up and try again.
Yet somehow, as adults, we forget that we are learning too. We look at choices we made five, ten, or twenty years ago and judge that version of ourselves using everything we know today.
That isn’t a fair comparison.
You can acknowledge something you wish you had done differently without turning it into evidence that something is wrong with you. In fact, your mistakes, weaknesses, and hardest moments do not get to determine your worth.
Isaiah 43:1 gives us a beautiful reminder:
“Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.”
God knows exactly who you are. Your past doesn’t surprise Him. He isn’t waiting for some future, perfected version of you before He decides you are worthy of His love.
You are His now.
Stop Trying to Shame Yourself Into Becoming Better
Have you ever had a hard day and then made it worse by telling yourself how much better you should have handled it?
Maybe you lost your patience with your child. Perhaps you skipped something you intended to do. You might have said something you regret.
Suddenly, your brain starts building a case against you.
I know better than this.
I should have handled that differently.
Why do I keep doing this?
We sometimes believe that if we make ourselves feel bad enough, we’ll finally change.
However, shame rarely creates the kind of lasting change we’re hoping for. Beating yourself up today doesn’t repair yesterday. It simply takes you out of the only moment where you actually have the power to choose differently: right now.
As President Thomas S. Monson taught, “Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present.”
The past can become a teacher instead of a courtroom.
Look back. Learn what you need to learn. Then come back to today.
You Don’t Have to Earn God’s Love
Sometimes our desire to become better quietly turns into a spiritual checklist.
Read my scriptures. Check.
Go to church. Check.
Serve more. Check.
Attend the temple. Check.
Be patient, be kind, be a good mom and wife. Keep doing more.
Of course, these can all be beautiful ways to draw closer to God. The problem comes when we begin believing our checklist determines our worth.
What if, instead of constantly asking, “Am I doing enough?” we asked, “Am I coming to know God?”
Knowing Him changes how we see ourselves.
As we understand His character, His mercy, and His love, we begin to recognize that our worth was never something we had to earn.
We belong to Him.
That truth can change the way we approach everything else.
Learning How to Love Your Whole Story Changes the Present
There’s a reason the rearview mirror in your car is smaller than the windshield.
You need the rearview mirror. It helps you see where you’ve been. Still, you weren’t meant to drive down the highway staring backward.
The same principle applies to your life.
Looking back can help you recognize patterns, learn lessons, and see how God has carried you. Living backward, however, keeps you from experiencing what He is doing right now.
Instead of replaying a difficult interaction and criticizing yourself, try asking:
How would I like to show up next time?
Maybe you want to listen longer.
Perhaps you want to respond with curiosity instead of fear.
You might choose to say less, love more, or simply give yourself time before responding.
Now you’re using the past to prepare rather than punish yourself.
That small shift can change the way you move forward.
Love the Woman You’re Becoming
Your future self deserves some love too.
She isn’t asking you to have everything figured out today. However, the choices you make now are creating something for her.
Maybe loving your future self means drinking more water today.
It could mean getting outside, moving your body, opening your scriptures, calling someone you love, or finally doing the thing that feels a little uncomfortable.
Sometimes it simply means choosing not to spend another afternoon regretting something you cannot change.
Ask yourself:
What could I do today that my future self will thank me for?
You don’t need twenty answers. Start with one.
Then do that.
Little choices made with intention can become a beautiful gift to the woman you’re becoming.
Trust God With the Parts You Cannot See
Learning how to love your whole story also requires trusting that you cannot see the entire story yet.
That truth becomes especially important when you’re worried about your children.
As moms, we can look backward and wonder what we should have done differently. We replay parenting decisions and imagine alternate versions of the past.
Maybe if I had done this differently…
What if I had noticed sooner…
Maybe if I had been a better mom…
But you were never meant to be your child’s Savior.
They already have One.
Your child’s path may look different than you imagined, but they are not outside the reach of God. You cannot see every person He will bring into their life, every experience that will shape them, or every quiet way He may already be working.
Therefore, you can love them without taking responsibility for writing the rest of their story.
You can trust that God is still working in theirs, just as He is working in yours.
Your Story Isn’t Finished
Your past self did the best she could with what she knew and what she had.
Your present self gets to choose again today.
And your future self?
She’s still becoming.
You don’t need to erase your past to love your whole story. Instead, you can look back with compassion, live today with intention, and look forward with faith.
Jesus Christ has already stepped into every imperfect, painful, messy part of your story. Because of Him, you can stop trying to make the past different and begin trusting what God can still do with your future.
Your story isn’t over.
Neither is your child’s.
God is still working in ways you may not be able to see.
Learn More About Sunshine in the Soul Retreats
This conversation was inspired by my beautiful conversation with Sherry Brower, founder of Sunshine in the Soul Retreats, where women of faith gather to learn, connect, strengthen their relationship with Jesus Christ, and make space for renewal.
Learn more about Sherry and Sunshine in the Soul Retreats here
Want More Peace in Your Own Story?
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If you’re an LDS mom struggling with your adult child’s choices, I would love to invite you to a FREE Connection & Peace Call with me.